ICU

As you just read in my previous article Dad spent 83 days in hospital in June 2011. I wanted to go in to a bit more detail about that time.

I have spend the past 15 mins with Ceddy trying to remember how we found out that Dad was in hospital...We are sat here as I type this trying to work it out. Mum's birthday is the 28^th June and Ceddy's the 1^st July so they have a joint birthday celebration every year. We think that we must have had the party on the Sunday 26^th because we can recall the presents he got and are sure that we did it at home. But neither of us can remember when Dad was rushed into A&E. I think we must of blocked it from our memories... :-S

I think that the hardest thing for me was when he was in ICU...

Seeing my amazingly strong hero, lying in a hospital bed hooked up to, what seemed like hundreds of machines, in a sterile room was horrible... We could only visit at certain times of the day, 4 hours in total I think, before we went in we had to be let in to the ward, then go into the waiting room, put on a gown and desinfect our hands before we could go in and see him. 

 

We could only go in a few at a time. Mum stayed with him all the time, and we would take turns going in two by two. Benjamin and Alex were to young to be allowed to go in and see Dad, but the nurses made an exception (because they were going back to the UK for a week to go to a fund raiser that Grandma Stella (Mum's Mum) was doing for Dad.) and nobody knew if they would be able to see him again. 

 

He was on morphine and having very strange hallucinations. When we remind him of them he thinks that they really happened. We laugh about it now, but at the time it scared us. There are two that have stuck in my head . The first one is when he told us that it was really noisy in the room, and that the lorrys were disturbing him. We tried to explain to him that it could be the food truck that had just pulled up that he could hear. But no we were wrong, the lorrys were driving around above his head and that they needed to stop. Erm yeah OK Dad ! And the second is when he told us that if we left him to die he wouldn't judge us. (All this on the board!) It was just Mum and I in the room and we were like WTF?!?! We are not letting you go ! He kept saying it was OK he wouldn't judge us. I had to leave the room I was so upset. Mum only recently told me what he was going on about. They'd obviously had a discussion about it. Turns out (In Dad's drugged up mind!) While he was in ICU we had all gone on safari (with him) and we'd been attacked by lions and he was trying to tell us to save ourselves and to leave him. And that he wouldn't judge us for it. So apparently we all missed out on a fun-filled trip to South Africa, but not sure if it's a great loss, I'm not really into the whole being attacked by lions...:-P

When I hang up the phone or at the end of my texts to my familly, I generally end with Love you. On a Sunday when we leave M&D's I tell them I love them, I always have . But while Dad was in ICU, I couldn't tell him, I would give him a kiss and say goodbye, open my mouth to say I love you but it wouldn't come out. I was so scared that it would be the last time I said it, that if I told him he would know that I loved him and he could die in peace. Everyone said that I was being silly and that I should just say it. But I tried each time but only the « I » would come out.

The one person that managed to get through to me is Aunty Jem. I was on the phone to her and had told her about my « problem » and she told me off ! She said « You have to tell him, just because you say it doesn't mean he is going to die. What if he needs you to say those 3 words to give him the strength to fight the infection ! How do you think he must feel not hearing you telling him you love him !! And what if he does leave us and you haven't told him, you are going to regret it for the rest of your life ! You had better tell him next time you see him ! » The next day, with tears streaming down my cheeks, I was able to say « Daddy I love you ». It may seem like harsh words to some, but it was exactly what I needed to hear. And look nothing happened he is still with us. Maybe I did give him the strength to fight and come back to us who knows (I doubt that's true, I think it is more the amazing work that the Doctors and Nurses in the hospital did!) So I would just like to take this opportunity to publicly thank Auntie Jemma for giving me the kick up the ar*e I needed. Thank You, I love you.

Once he was off the morphine he was taken into another room, still on the same ward. I remember one afternoon I was showing him some photos on my phone. Uncle Rob and Mandi were having a baby and had sent the ultrasounds pictures and Dad wanted to see them. We spent ages thinking of possible baby names for Baby Kane.We thought that they would need help there are lots of things to do when you are excepting a baby. And it must be extra hard when none of your family even live in the same country as you. So we decided that the best way to help them prepare for the arival of the baby would be to give them a list of names to pick from. We are helpful like that. If anyone is pregnent feel free to use any of the names on our list. ;o)

Possible Baby Names (Don't get why they didn't pick one of them! We think that they are awesome! On the board we use to communicate with)

 

Dad and Ceddy have this private(-ish) joke between the two of them. When we first started dating we would only see each other on weekends. When he left on a Sunday evening Dad would always tell him « bonne semaine » (Have a good week) after that it became a bit of a game, whoever said it first had won. So every Sunday it made us laugh, they both wanted to be the first to say it, but would more often than not would say it at the same time ! On the same afternoon as the baby names he put on the board « Bonne semaine Ceddy! » Which made us laugh. (And made me cry!!!) The Daddy we all know and love was back with us for good !

I am so happy that Daddy loves him. I don't know what I would have done if that wasn't the case....

Thats enough for tonight, time for bed. Need to recuperate after writing this one, and think of new stories to tell you.

Night Night !

XOXO