Birthdays...

Mum go and get the box of tissues from beside Dad's bed. Knowing you, you'll need it. xxx

Sorry for that side note.


As I start to write this it is 11.57pm. In 3 minutes it will be my birthday, I thought you would like to know how I feel on days like tomorrow...

"Make a wish as you blow out your candles", "Oh look a shooting star make a wish", "Blow on this eyelash and make a wish", "Star light, Star bright, First star I see tonight, I wish I may, I wish I might have this wish I make tonight."
I always make the same wish. "I wish Daddy could give me one last hug, and could tell me he loves me one more time". But no matter how hard I want it, no matter how many times I make the same wish, it never comes true...

Most days I can deal with the fact that dad can't speak or move anymore, but some days (like today) I find it really hard to cope with.
When I passed my exams, I really wanted to hear a "well done". 
It's midnight now, so it's officially my birthday. I just want the phone to ring, and to hear him sing happy birthday. (If any of you have ever heard him sing you know how ridiculous that sounds!!! :-P) 
When I leave on a Sunday I really really want him to say "I love you too baby" 
I even want him to tell me off (something I never thought I'd want to hear again) 
I want to hear him tell people the story about how when I was about 6, he and Uncle Rob used to wake me up on a Saturday night, to take me to YumYums to get free stuff because the owner, Mrs Lamb, wanted me to marry her son. And that they would leave me on the bench to wait for the take away while they went next door to the pub. I have heard it a gazillion times but would give anything to hear it one more time. 
When the song "Jump" comes on, I am torn between doing our remake of Hugh Grant in Love Actually and leaving the room crying because I know I will never be able to do it with Dad again. 
When someone gets married, and they walk down the aisle with their father, I cry. Because guess what, if I get married I will never get to do that. Same with the Daddy Daughter dance. And that embarrassing speach, that everyone dreads... I wish I could hear him say it...

I need a hug from him so much right now...
But then I think of Mum... and how I would give anything to be able say "Eww gross, get a room, no one want's to see you snogging!! Ewwww" or hear him say "I love you Mrs J" 
So if anyone knows a miricale worker who needs a kidney or a lung, let them know that I have two!

I need background music to be able to write so I have my headphones plugged in and guess what's just come on, Jump...

I'm sorry Daddy for being a horrible teenager. I'm sorry for all the arguments, all the fights and the cross words. If I could turn back time and do it all over I would...

What's really hard is that even if I shut my eyes really tightly, and block out all the noise. I can't remember what his voice sounds like... I'm going to have to go and find a home video to remind me...

Ok I need to stop here. I've used up a box of tissues just writing this one. Sorry Mum...

XOXO

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